Etiquette

After some thought on the matter I have decided that traditional British behaviour and the minding of your p’s and q’s can actually be more of a hindrance than a help.

Case in point, an incident involving windy weather and knickers.

Yesterday after finishing my laundry I was carrying all my clean clothes and towels in a basket across the car park back to my block. The weather was pretty windy and in a rather massive lapse of judgement I had neglected to do the sensible thing and put my heavy towels on top of my lighter weight garments. A big gust of wind caught a pair of freshly laundered and largish pants (I mention the size as I think the surface area may have helped contribute to their flight capabilities) and they flew out of the basket a few feet away from me. I was so impressed with the fact that they had managed to fly that I didn’t immediately grab for them. Instead I kind of stood there looking at them.

Which is when I noticed that a fresher had just left his block and was also standing looking at my pants.

He looked at me.

I looked at my pants.

He looked at my pants.

We looked at each other.

(By this point I looked like a burnt tomato- blushing is one of the natural talents I seem to have been gifted with)

It was at this point I realised that one of us was going to have to pick my pants up and I would prefer for that person to be me.

So I awkwardly bent down while holding all my other laundry, scooped up my pants and then said the first thing that popped into my head, “thanks!”

Why on earth would I say thank you? What had he done except look at my pants. He hadn’t laughed so I guess I could be grateful for that but at the time I hadn’t thought about it in the depth that I have at this point?

I have decided that for too long I have been trained into saying please and thankyou and now revert to those as responses as a default in times of stress. Not knowing the etiquette for pants retrieval in front of a stranger I chose thankyou as the ideal comment for that situation.

It’s not just situations like this that confuse me etiquette wise. If you a door open for someone and say after you, and then they say “no, after you”, who is supposed to go at this point? I never know, and this leads to both parties standing looking awkwardly at each other until you both choose to go at the same time, bump into each other, at which point I say “thanks!” and hurry off with a face that’s beyond red. Infrared you might say.

I think that some sort of announcement should be made that says if someone holds the door for you, you just say thanks and go through it. Don’t try and steal the good-person-who-cares-enough-to-hold-doors-for-others glory. I got their first. Deal with it.

What is more annoying are people breaking other social conventions that I consider completely necessary:

1. If you are listening to an ipod in an enclosed space, if you can’t hear the noise of the local environment, then every other poor person is having to listen to your music. Not all are blessed with the impeccable taste in music I possess and so should not inflict their music on others.
2. Do NOT play music out of your phone. I plan on either writing a very angry letter or maybe just sending the black spot to the idiot at the phone manufacturers who came up with that feature. Most people who choose to play their music loudly on the bus are listening to complete shite and should be aware of this. If I was at home I would kindly tell them to shut up. As I am in Nottingham I keep quiet and fume silently. No one likes to get shot.
3. If someone steps to one side for you, say when a path is too narrow, or in shops where the aisles are stupidly thin (a genius and yet evil ploy I think Topshop employs to ensure that only really really skinny people can get into the shop and thus wear their clothes and make the brand look fabulous) they did not do it because they just had a sudden urge to stop and do absolutely nothing, they did it so that you could walk past. So say thankyou. It’s not difficult, some of us even do it by accident.

Actually thinking about this, maybe saying thanks as a default is a good thing. Because regardless of how much of an utter plonker you look, at least you are always impeccably polite. In a special way.

So I guess that’s some helpful advice for how to live your life. If you want more then always remember, do not boil soup. Not because it ruins the taste but because when you invariably spill it on yourself it burns quite badly. I also heard, from an old friend who is now a homoeopathist, (and I believe anything said by anyone remotely medical- a side effect of being a hypochondriac) that you should use luke warm water rather than cold water to soothe a burn.

Question for the day: Where did the saying “luke warm” come from? Who was luke? My religious understanding is hampered by the fact that I don’t really believe in it but was he a disciple? Of medium warm opinions? Who made some sort of famous spicy dish he put his name to? Answers on a postcard please.